


The Sound of Marius

by wcdarling



Category: The Sound of Music - Rodgers/Hammerstein/Lindsay & Crouse, Vampire Chronicles - All Media Types, Vampire Chronicles - Anne Rice
Genre: Crack Crossover, Earworm, Gen, M/M, Musicals, Parody, Salzburg, Silly, Vampire Chronicles, it was all a dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-16
Updated: 2016-06-16
Packaged: 2018-07-15 08:34:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7215235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wcdarling/pseuds/wcdarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How to explain this? To make it short, a long time ago, I was chatting with someone in the VC fandom about "Sound of Music," wrote "Marius" instead of "Maria" and then I thought, wait, what if... And this musical crackfic happened. I think you have to know the movie and have a love of extreme silliness to enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sound of Marius

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started back around 2000 when I was reading a VC fic with a scene in it where Marius is watching _The Sound of Music_ on TV. Somehow or other I ended up commenting to the author about how funny that was, but when I made my comment, I accidentally wrote "Marius" instead of "Maria" and suddenly THIS monstrosity was born. You really have to know the movie to think this is funny, BTW.
> 
> I'm pasting this in from an old fanfic web site of mine and while I have fixed a couple of typos I spotted, I know there must be more. If you read and spot, I'd appreciate a note or message pointing it out. 
> 
> -Wendy

Lying on the palette in his sun-proof vault, Marius shut his eyes tightly and prayed for the day sleep. "Make it stop, make it stop," he groaned, struggling against the relentless, idiotic melody. Ever since his earlier conversation with Louis, he simply couldn't get the song out of his head.

In his mind, he saw the fresh-faced children running through the sunny squares and fields of Salzburg, and over and over, he heard the words, playing in an endless round  

> _Doe, a deer, a female deer_  
>  _Ray, a drop of golden sun_  
>  _Me, a name I call myself_  
>  _Far, a long, long way to run_  
>  _Sew, a needle pulling thread_  
>  _La, a note to follow so_  
>  _Tea, a drink with jam and bread_  
>  _That will brink us back to Do_

With the last gasp of his conscious mind, Marius cried out once more, "Make it stop!"

* * *

The song did not stop. Instead it was transformed into something much worse and infinitely more maddening: a fully realized musical production with a full soundtrack and Technicolor. But although it had all the markings of the film Marius had been watching earlier and had in fact seen several times before, it was different.

This movie, it seemed, had been re-edited with him in mind.

In his dream, Marius saw the title sweep onto the screen and although he shuddered at the thought, as in as dreams, he felt powerless to change anything. No, there was nothing he could do but sit back and watch _The Sound of Marius_.

He saw himself whirling about in a green field in the Alps. He had been to the Alps many times, but never like this. No, that had always been at night and this was a day filled with brilliant sunlight.

Still gazing at himself from afar, Marius listened as the soothing song began: 

 

> _My day in the hills has come to an end, I know_  
>  _The sun has come out to tell me it's time to go_  
>  _But deep in the dark green shadows_  
>  _Are voices that urge me to stay_  
>  _So I pause and I wait and I listen_  
>  _For one more sound, for one more lovely thing_  
>  _That the hills might say..._

"All right, fine, this is just the movie with me in it and all the same songs," Marius thought to himself in the tiny corner of his mind where such observations are made during dreams.

Then the camera zoomed in, the song began, and he knew he had spoken too soon. 

 

> _The hills are alive with the sound of Beethoven_  
>  _With the song Sybelle has played, it seems a thousand years_  
>  _The hills fill my heart with the sound of Beethoven_  
>  _My heart wants to burst with the song it hears_
> 
> _My heart wants to beat her to pieces_  
>  _So that she will stop and perhaps she'll be dead_  
>  _My heart wants to beat little Benji too_  
>  _Beat him upside his head_
> 
> _To laugh like a brook when it trips and falls_  
>  _over stones on its way_  
>  _To sing through the night_  
>  _Ye gods, how I long for that day!_
> 
> _I go to the hills when my heart is lonely_  
>  _I know I will hear what I've heard before_  
>  _My heart will be cursed with the sound of music_  
>  _And I'll cringe once more_

Helplessly Marius watched himself flit through the flowery fields like a girl. It was somewhat embarrassing but he noted that at least he wasn't wearing dress. "How will this musical work anyway if I'm not a woman?" Marius wondered. "Surely I can't be a nun, can I?"

The sound of church bells in the distance brought the the answer to that question. "Oh, no, time to get back to the abbey!" 

* * *

Marius saw himself running down the hillside towards the abbey, frantically making his way toward the chapel. He wasn't moving with immortal speed, only the speed of a mortal, and he cursed his slowless. Finally he arrived at the chapel, nearly breathless. The nuns around him, in the midst of their prayers, pretended not to notice.

The dream moved inexorably forward. The action focused on a group of nuns standing in a courtyard. Only they weren't actually nuns, they were people Marius knew, dressed in full habit! Yes, there were Eric, Santino, Khayman and Mael. Again, the small voice in Marius' mind that questioned the dream wondered why or how he would ever take it upon himself to imagine this unlikely group dressed in black and white garments originally developed during the Middle Ages. The only one of them who looked remotely suited to the outfit was Eric; Santino seemed too menacing, Khayman seemed entirely too Egyptian, and Mael looked like someone who'd post a personal ad in _Tapestry_ magazine. At any rate, there were the four nuns and of course they were singing. 

 

> _He gives advice and breaks it twice,_  
>  _His mind has got a tear._  
>  _He whimpers in his living room,_  
>  _Hears voices that aren't there._  
>  _And underneath his white hair there's a tattoo of a bear._  
>  _I even heard him singing Britney Spears!_
> 
> _He was always in his chapel because he thought the Queen was real._  
>  _He's always a slave to everything, especially how he feels._  
>  _I hate to have it to say it but I very firmly feel_  
>  _Marius is no asset to the coven._
> 
> _I'd like to say a word on her side:_  
>  _Marius makes me cry!_
> 
> _How do you solve a problem like Marius?_  
>  _How do you catch a 2,000-year-old immortal and pin him down?_  
>  _How do you find a word that means Marius?_  
>  _A really old wanker, a dusty old fart, and ass?_
> 
> _Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him;_  
>  _Many a thing he ought to understand._  
>  _But how do you make him stay_  
>  _And listen to all you say?_  
>  _How do you keep a wave upon the sand?_  
>  _O how do you solve a problem like Marius?_  
>  _How do you hold a 2,000-year-old immortal in your hand?_
> 
> _When people are with him, they're confused, out of focus and bemused,_  
>  _And they never know exactly where they stand._  
>  _Unpredictable as weather,_  
>  _He's as flighty as a feather._  
>  _He's a mentor, he's a demon, he's a man._
> 
> _He's outponder any pest,_  
>  _Drive a hornet from its nest._  
>  _He can throw a whirling dervish out of whirl._
> 
> _He is gentle, he is wise._  
>  _He's a fruitcake in disguise._  
>  _He's an asshole, he's just senile._  
>  _He's a man..._
> 
> _How do you solve a problem like Marius?_  
>  _How do you catch a 2,000-year-old immortal and pin him down?_

Marius couldn't stop the dream from moving on any more than he could stop the sun from rising or the earth from turning. He knew what was coming next.

He saw himself dressed in a suit of black velvet. Again, he was thankful his subconscious was sparing him the sight of himself wearing a dress. He was sitting at a chair in front of a large desk. Behind the desk stood the Mother Superior. She hadn't always been the Mother Superior, Marius knew. No, until fairly recently, she had simply been Sister Maharet.

Maharet was in full nun's habit, only with every piece of clothing made from dyed linen. Maharet was always big on linen so it only seemed fitting. In any case, there she was, glowering down at Marius giving him a lecture on how he really wasn't suited for life in the Children of the Millenia coven and would be better out in the wider world. She was going to give him an opportunity to make something of himself.

"What could I possibly do?" Marius heard himself ask.

Mother Superior went over to the desk and picked up a folder from the desk. "There's a family near Salzburg," she said slowly. "The father is a war hero, widowed, and he has a large family. They need a governess to take care of things."

* * *

A moment later Marius was riding on a bus and then alighting down a road, suitcases in hand or actually, towed behind. In an especially nice touch, his subconscious had decided that he should be carrying a large coffin with two wheels.

 

> _What will this day be like, I wonder..._  
>  _What will my future be, I wonder..._  
>  _It could be so exciting_  
>  _To be out to the world, to be free_  
>  _My heart should be wildly rejoicing_  
>  _Oh, what's the matter with me?_

This was too much. Marius had grown used to the wonders of modern home theater technology and so without even thinking it was a dream, he wished for fast-forward. He knew this part already and wanted to get to the good part. He had to meet the new family! Before he left the abbey, he'd been told there was five children. This was less than the seven he'd remembered from the real movie, and he wondered at the difference. And who was this widowed war hero?

At last he arrived at the gate. It was the same house as the movie, he was surprised to note. In a way, he'd half-expected to arrive at his villa in Metarie or his old palazzo in Venice. But no, this was a fancy European home, almost a palace, and here he was about to embark on an adventure.

The dream skipped forward in time and suddenly there was Marius, standing in the hall faced with the family. He recognized almost every of them! The children introduced themselves: 

 

> _I'm Gabrielle. I'm 250 and I don't need a governess._  
>  _I'm Nicolas. I'm, well... over 200 if I hadn't killed myself._  
>  _I'm Louis. I'm the weak one, or so you all think._  
>  _I'm Claudia. Armand butchered me before I died, but here I still look pretty._  
>  _I'm David. Technically I'm the youngest but..._

"Yes, yes, I'm sure Marius can guess all this," announced an irritated Lestat or, as he was known in the dream, Captain de Lioncourt. "No let's get to dinner. March!"

They were in the dining room. It looked just like the scene in the movie adapted by a modern artist; at the center of the table, instead of a mortal meal, there was a naked human body! Marius wanted to wake up and skip what he knew would come next but no, he had to see Captain de Lioncourt and the "children" attack the body with their teeth, making impolite sucking sounds as they drank. He stood up from his chair watching them but didn't join in. Finally he went to sit down and got a rude shock. An epidermic needle had been set point up on the cushion!

"What is it, Marius?" Lestat asked crossly.

"It's nothing, nothing at all," Marius replied. "It's my... my..." He fumbled for an excuse. Rheumatism just wouldn't do and what other ailment could he have? It didn't seem to matter what he said, however. Now the dream was moving on.

The children didn't like him and went out of their way to misbehave. Gabrielle ran off into the Alps several times. He caught Claudia torturing her dolls, switching their heads and saying she was "playing Armand." Nicki kept him up at all hours either ranting or playing his fiddle. And David kept bothering him about when he was going to get started on his autobiography. " _Blood and Gold_ is coming out this spring, you know!" he kept saying. "Better get cracking!"

The only one who didn't bother Marius was Louis, and that was only because he spent so much of his time in secret rendezvous with the delivery boy. And yes, there was even a song to go with this little romance.

Marius saw a gazebo and in it, there was Louis, dressed more finely than Marius had ever seen him, in elegant late 19th century clothes. Standing close to him was Armand, or rather, Amadeo, dressed in his 15th century Venetian finery. Both of them were looking exquisite as the scene began.

Armand gazed at Louis in all earnesty as he began to sing:

 

> _You wait, skinny man, on an empty stage_  
>  _For far to turn the light on_  
>  _You life, skinny man, is an empty page_  
>  _That Anne will want to write on_

Louis echoed:

 

> _To write on..._

Now it was Armand again:

 

> __You are 226, going on 227__  
>  _Baby, it's time to think_  
>  _Better beware, be canny and careful_  
>  _Baby, you're on the brink_
> 
> _You are 226, going on 227_  
>  _Fellows will fall in line_  
>  _Eager young lads and rogues and cads_  
>  _Will offer you blood as wine_
> 
> _Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men_  
>  _Timid and shy and scared are you_  
>  _Of things beyond your ken_  
>  _You need someone older and wiser_  
>  _Telling you what to do_  
>  _I am 497, going on 498_  
>  _I'll take care of you..._

Louis replied: 

 

> __I am 226, going on 227__  
>  _I know that I'm NOT naive_  
>  _Fellow I meet may tell me I'm sweet_  
>  _But I kill them, and then I grieve_
> 
> _I am 226, going on 227_  
>  _Jaded as a I can be_  
>  _Fledglings and makers, loser and fakers_  
>  _These are all I can_
> 
> _Totally prepared am I to face a world of men_  
>  _Angry and hurt and scared am I_  
>  _Of things beyond my ken_  
>  _I need someone older and wiser who hasn't lost their mind_  
>  _You are 497, going on 498_  
>  _I look until I find..._

Marius found the small critical voice absolutely buzzing. The song barely even rhymed anymore, the words had been changed so much. He hadn't known he had such a knack for bad song parodies -- written on the fly no less! What would be next, Marius sitting in bed with a group of frightened children?

Indeed that WAS the next scene! There was rain and thunder and lightening and in the midst of it all, Marius the den mother was trying to soothe down the formerly argumentative "children," all of whom were now mewling like kittens.

It was easy to feel better, Marius told them. Any time he felt bad, he went to the shrine. No, wait, that wasn't what he did anymore! Instead he thought about his favorite things, bloodrops on roses and boys in white dresses with blue satin sashes, that sort of thing. The children were delighted. This scene actually out to be fairly pleasant until the very last lines: 

 

> _When my fangs bite, when the truth stings_  
>  _When I'm feeling sad_  
>  _I can hardly remember my favorite things_  
>  _And then I feel oh so bad!_

Everyone turned as Captain de Lioncourt burst into the room, holding out Veronica's Veil and ranting about Memnoch. "How dare you be happy when I've gone through Hell on your account!"

"I was born in Hell," Nicki snapped angrily.

"Yes, and I quite prefer it," Claudia said in her sweet, bell-like voice.

"Shut up, all of you, and off to your coffins!" the captain shouted.

Once they had gone, it was Marius who had to face the captain. "Don't you know anything about how things work?" he asked. "I'm the center of their universe and you, my old Roman friend, are NOTHING! Is that clear?"

Marius nodded but couldn't help but ask a question. "Excuse me, captain, but I was wondering... Do the children have any playclothes?"

Marius knew what was coming so again he fast-forwarded. He wanted to see the clothes. Yes, exactly as he expected, red velvet, apparently put together out of scraps from all his past wardrobes. He was becoming quite wrapped up examining them when suddenly he cringed -- time for THAT SONG!

Marius saw himself sitting in a field with a guitar. Nooooooooooooooo, this was NOT happening!

Marius' voice was sweet as he began: 

 

> _Let's start at the very beginning  
>  A very good place to start  
>  When you read you begin with_

Time for for Claudia: 

 

> _A B C_

Then Marius again: 

 

> _When you sing you begin with Do Re Mi_

And then the echo: 

 

> _Do re mi_

And on and on it went. It wasn't as bad as what had been going through his head before he'd succumbed to the daysleep, but it was horribly insipid nonetheless and if he'd been mortal Marius would have been startled out of the dream. As it was, he watched as each of every one of the children -- even Nicki! -- frolicked around Salzburg. The song got louder and more boisterous. Along the way Claudia insisted on taking several snacks from sweet-looking Austrian women. Nicolas played his violin in tune.

Finally they were all piled into a boat laughing and singing. Marius had really done a great job cheering everyone up. Wouldn't the Mother Superior be pleased!

But no, it wasn't to be. Captain de Lioncourt was highly displeased and so was the Baroness Pandora. He had Marius fired on the spot and sent the children inside. Within moment, however, music emanated from the house. Nicki's violin and along with it, voices singing. 

 

> _The hills are alive with the sound of Beethoven  
>  With the song Sybelle has played, it seems a thousand years..._

The captain came rushing in. Why, here was a song that actually honest. Marius really needed to face up to the music all along. The baroness agreed. Marius could stay on. He was doing a great job with the kids.

The next bit of the dream was a bit boring and Marius wished his immortal memory wasn't quite so good. Did he really need to see a production of "The Lonely Goatherd" complete with marionettes, Claudia's further attempts to mutilate the "dolls," and the sound of Louis yodeling? And while Marius had always rather liked "Edelweiss" as a song, at this point he was growing impatient. When was the real show-stopping scene going to come?

Flash-forwarding once again, Marius saw the big party at the Captain's house. Oh, no, this time he WAS wearing a dress! His hair was cut into a cute little 'do just like Julie Andrews. And now he was dancing with Lestat! What did it all mean? Why was his subconscious doing this to him? And an even more pertinent question: Why was this awful spec writer doing this to him?

The came the show-stopper: All five of Lestat's children performing, exiting the scene in charming fashion as each finished his or her lines. 

 

> _There's a sad sort of clanging from the piano in the hall_  
>  _And the bells in the steeple too_  
>  _And up on First Street an absurd little bird_  
>  _Is writing but she is cuckoo_
> 
> _Cuckoo, cuckoo!_
> 
> _Regretfully she tells us_  
>  _Cuckoo, cuckoo_  
>  _But firmly she compels us_  
>  _Cuckoo, cuckoo_  
>  _To say goodbye_  
>  _Cuckoo_  
>  _To you..._
> 
> _So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good night_
> 
> _I hate to go and leave this pretty sight_
> 
> _So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu_
> 
> _Adieu, adieu, to yieu and yieu and yieu_
> 
> _So long, farewell, au revoir, auf wiedersehen_
> 
> _I'd like to stay and suck another vein! Yes?_
> 
> _No!_
> 
> _So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good bye_
> 
> _I leave and heave a sigh and say good bye_  
>  _Goodbye..._
> 
> _I'm glad to go, I cannot tell a lie_
> 
> _I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly_
> 
> _The sun has gone to bed and so must I_
> 
> _So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good bye_  
>  _Good bye, good bye, good bye..._
> 
> _"Goodbye!" the crowd waved. Those vampire books were getting worse and worse all the time anyway so good riddance. Who really wanted to read Blood and Gold anyway, Marius heard one of them ask._

The dream was starting to speed up. Now he was back at the abbey again listening to Maharet. She WASN'T singing "Climb Every Mountain (And Draw Some Pictographs on It)" but she WAS going on and on! Yes, this was VERY Maharet. Finally when she shut up, Marius found he was being sent back to Captain de Lioncourt.

And now he saw that gazebo again and oh no, he was wearing a dress AGAIN. Marius sang:

 

> _Perhaps I had a spoiled brat childhood_  
>  _Perhaps I had a decadent youth_  
>  _But somewhere in my spoiled, decadent past_  
>  _There must have been a moment of truth_  
>  _For here you are, standing there, loving me_  
>  _Whether or not your should_  
>  _But somewhere in my youth or childhood_  
>  _I must have done something good_  
>  _Nothing comes from nothing_  
>  _Nothing ever could_  
>  _So somewhere in my youth or childhood_  
>  _I must have done something good_

This was ridiculous! Lestat hadn't said anything to Marius about love in a long, long time and considering the Body Thief incident and recent events, he really shouldn't. But here he was blubbering on. Oh, well, it wasn't the first time the dream had failed to make sense!

And now the dream went into overdrive. He counseling Louis about his love for Armand with the touching song, "226, Going On 227," saw Lestat rip up Veronica Veil and shivered as Dora's fanatics ranted on about miracles and hellfire.

Finally they were all on stage together. Instead of the ampitheatre in the movie, however, it was the Cow Palace! Marius had never even been there -- he'd missed the famous Vampire Lestat concert for the joys of the frozen earth -- but he'd picked up the image from other minds. There was Lestat now singing his songs. What was THAT doing in here? And what about that drummer and that keyboardist? It reminded Marius of early MTV. But then the singing began, all the songs they'd done before AGAIN and then they were fleeing Dora's minions and crazy fledglings out to kill Lestat! People were bursting out in flames! The coven had escaped!

Now they were in the abbey. The cross-dressing nuns were back and Mother Superior Maharet was pleased to keep them safe. Dora's minions stormed in to look for them but they were hiding. Armand almost exposed them all -- just to be wicked -- but Lestat talked him out of it. And now it was time to go hiking! Climb every mountain indeed!

* * *

By the time he awoke for the evening, the dream had been over for several hours but THAT SONG was still playing in his head. Marius was just beginning to remember the dream when Benji ran in looking very excited.

"Marius, Marius, you've got to get up! I checked the TV schedule and at 7 they're playing Mary Poppins!"


End file.
